Dr. Google is BAD!

October 26, 2010 at 6:12 pm (Random rantings)

Not only is Dr. Google bad, it’s evil at 12:30 in the morning.

When I was pregnant with Junior  had a lot of trouble with “feminine itch” in the last few months of my pregnancy.  My old OB kept giving me yeast medication (without so much as checking down there to see what’s going on).  It didn’t help.  The only thing that helped was feminine anti-itch cream.  I know now, that it was probably just a pH imbalance and I was loading myself up on meds I didn’t need.

Fast forward to last night.  Some point in the evening I start noticing a wicked itch developing.  I jumped in the shower hoping a nice rinse would help me feel better, and it did, for a little while.  When I laid in bed, I was wide awake, with an urge scratch my girly bits off.  Rather than toss and turn and keep Hubs awake, I retreated to the couch, undressed my lower half and laid on the couch.  Maybe some fresh air down there would help.  Nope.  By now, it’s pushing 12:30 and I’m crazy uncomfortable.  The more I tell myself to not itch, not think about it, go to sleep, it’s just not happening.

In the darkness of the midnight living room, the laptop calls to me.  “Google it.  Google has all the answers.”  The glow of the laptop screen felt like my saving grace.  An answer to my needs will be here soon!  Off I go to Google away my worries.  I see the same thing on several sites and decide it sounds like a brilliant idea.  I wander to the kitchen by the light of the range hood, pull out a small bowl from one cupboard and a box of baking soda from another.  “Apply a paste of baking soda and water,” it said.  I prepared my paste and got ready.

By the faint light in my kitchen, I scoop a little paste on my finger and apply it to the affected region.  It started with a little tingle and quickly turned into searing pain.  Wincing in pain, I rub on a little more.  It’s got to take a while to work, right?  Defeated and with burning lady parts, I retreat to the couch.  Maybe it’s got to dry out a bit or something.  I’ll give it a minute before I expect magical results.  I turn on the ceiling fan, lay on the couch and let me knees fall to the sides.  Airflow has to be a good thing, right?

Thirty seconds later, I’m almost in tears.  It’s not getting any better.  Do I go to the ER and tell them I rubbing baking soda on my lady flower?  Cold compress!  Several of the sites mentioned that too.  It’s got to work!  Still in the darkness of my living room I dig through the pile of laundry on my couch (thank goodness for procrastinating putting that laundry away!).  A washcloth, perfect.  Back to the kitchen.  I douse the cloth with some cold water, squeeze out the excess and shimmy back to the safety of the couch.

Here goes nothin’.  YEOUCH!  Here’s a super smart thought, if hurt when it was wet, got a smidge better when it dried out, what on earth made me think getting it wet again was a good choice?!  I lay crying on the couch, wet rag on my bits contemplating my fate.  I’m going to have to wake up Hubs and tell him I put baking soda on the irritated skin of my hoo-ha.  Fantastic.  I’m never going to live this down.

As I hobble to the bedroom, I decide I can’t handle the pain.  DH is going to have to wait to hear this story; I’m jumping in the shower first to see if I can rinse the stupidity from va jay jay.  After the first few seconds, I feel remarkably better.  Perhaps starting there would have been a better choice.  I keep waiting for Hubs to hear the shower running and come in asking what I’m doing, but he snores peacefully away.  I towel myself off and dig through the cupboard-of-random-girl-things.  Lo and behold, a random tube of feminine anti-itch cream.  Who knew?  I slather myself up and take solace in the fact that I might not have to tell Hubs about this.

I slip into bed in a pair of his loose fitting boxer shorts, curl into a ball and remind myself to not only check the cupboards in the future, but to never, ever go to Dr. Google in a midnight moment of weakness.


1 Comment

  1. Melanie B said,

    Ha ha..Oh man. I’ve been told by the Dr. to do a baking soda bath for problems such as these but, never to put directly onto the “affected” area. I’ve also been told that because baking soda makes things alkaline, it can cause a wicked yeast infection! I like google for home remedies too but, this has to have sucked!

    Poor girl 😦

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